This is a guest blog by an anonymous friend. His third child just started kindergarten and in celebration, I asked him what he is going to do with all his free time. Well, his answer was so dang funny and spot-on, I had to share it here.

So what now for me?

So glad you asked!

After less than a decade (a mere 9.5 years) of having the very life sucked directly out of me, I’ve decided it is time for a well-earned break for 3 years, so that I can regain my composure.

I have answered to the very beck and call of three young dictators, over 9 years, and now, I say, it is time for some MAJOR pay-back.

So, here is how things will roll from today forward…

When I’m done on the toilet, I expect my butt to be wiped, thoughtfully, caringly, and lovingly. Later, I also expect my teeth to be brushed, gently, and flossed, but not by me. Should I accidentally wet myself, or my bed, I expect complete decorum and a discreet change of linens, immediately.

I expect meals to be prepared, to my precise, exacting standards. No ingredient that I do not approve of shall EVER be used. If I see any ingredient that looks suspicious, I will veto the entire meal.

From this day forth I will be driven to any activity or party that I may desire to attend. A gift will be purchased and wrapped on my behalf. If I change my mind about the party, then I will not attend. Any whim will be honoured.

I will be the focal point.

If the party is actually for me, well that’s a different story. Then there will be much hype and suitable fanfare. A decent amount of dollars will be forked out in my honour. Entertainers will be engaged to entrance my many guests. And I would like an exotic venue too. And a jumping castle. Also, I would like to have cookies freshly baked and delivered, in person, on the actual day of my birthday, to me and my friends wherever we may be.

I expect to receive a lot of toys for my birthday.

I would like to take up some new interests, perhaps a new instrument, and a new sport or hobby, or two. I desire to be driven to all the above activities and equipment provided – unless I should decide not to go, on any given day, for any reason, which I may or may not disclose, at my discretion.

Now, I have given all the above and more for 9+ years, but in return, I only desire 3 years of payback. I am a parent after all. So my 3 years starts….. now!

If he can make this happen, I’m sure he could go on tour doing presentations on how he did it. $1000 per ticket sounds right to me. Or maybe more?