I am writing because I have to write. Part of what creates healthy emotional balance for left-brained folks like me is to write. At least that is what the experts say.
However, it has been a while since I my last post. I’ve written, but I haven’t posted because I wasn’t happy with what I was saying. I’m not sure I am now, but I feel balanced enough to push something out.
This process of recovery has been hard. It will continue to be hard. There, I said it. Processing a job termination at the same time as looking for a job requires a longer time horizon view than I am used to, because otherwise I would seriously doubt the purpose of life. I have to constantly look up – at God, at my blessings, at nature – to drag myself out of depression, negative thoughts, self-doubt, and the nagging questions that still recirculate in my brain about what I should have done differently.
My drug of choice? It is fairly balanced between nature and family/friends. The picture on this posts illustrates a post-Thanksgiving sunset hike with my sister and many nieces, which was a beautiful combination that accelerated me towards mental healing. I have done other hikes with my family and other friends, and it is a part of my trying to include relationships in what I usually enjoy alone. Why? Because a major learning for me in this painful experience is that I need to prioritize relationships more. This applies to both work and outside of work, but since I can’t practice it at work without a job, I’m left to practicing it with friends and family.
I am still trying to figure out what prioritizing relationships means practically. Changing neural pathways is hard, and if I have to put silver lining on this cloud, it is that it has driven me to change faster than I would have without the pain.
I am surrounded by blessings. I continue to count them and deliberately enjoy them much more than I did a year ago. And slowly, but surely, I am crawling out of my depression and stepping more confidently forward. I still have bad stretches where I let lack of communication or opportunities get me down. What is different is that instead of self-soothing with another Netflix binge, I plan to get together with a friend and talk hopefully not about myself.
The world is filled with fascinating stories, people, places, and events. I have to continue to look upwards at them to stay on my recovery.